Deez Nuts: On Privilege, Apologies, and Cho Hyun-ah

by Chris Tharp

I have to admit to revelling in the ongoing drama of “Nutgate,” in which then Korean Airlines vice president for cabin service Cho Hyun-ah threw a weapons grade conniption when, on a flight from New York to Seoul, an attendant in first class had the audacity to serve her macadamia nuts in the packet instead of upon a pristine plate. Not content just to dress the offending stewardess down, she unleashed a torrent of abuse upon the whole staff and ordered the taxiing plane back to the gate, where she had the chief purser ejected for dereliction of duty. Almost as puzzling as Ms. Cho’s seemingly cruel and petty outburst is the fact that pilot went along with her demand, breaking aviation safety law in a pathetic attempt to save his own ass. He knew better than to defy HER will. After all, her father, Cho Yang-ho, is the chairman of Hanjin, the conglomerate that owns Korean Airlines. Hyun-ah was  backed up by serious, hard power. If she was so willing to bounce the purser over a nut discrepancy, what fate could await a pilot who disobeyed a direct order from Her Highness? Knowing his place on the strata of Korean social power, the pilot bowed down his head and turned that plane the fuck around.

This story quickly went viral and is still being covered worldwide. Part of it is the absurdity of the narrative: Such a brouhaha over nuts, really? The whole affair seemed so silly and random, but the bullying behavior of the central antagonist colored it with a much darker hue. It shone a light on the seeming untouchability of the 1%, that not only do the uber-rich have all the money, but they consider themselves above the law. This especially tapped into the zeitgeist here in South Korea, where people have been watching the families of the nation’s chaebol (conglomerates) act like modern day aristocrats for decades now. Enough was enough, and it didn’t take long before liberals and conservatives alike were calling for Cho Hyun-ah’s head on a pike.

There is more than just the will to punish bad behavior going on here. We love a good villainess and are very willing to cast Ms. Cho in that role. Throughout my lifetime the media has periodically turned its lens onto those out-of-touch, wealthy women that we love to hate, fire-breathing female figures who live in diamond palaces and run roughshod over the help. Remember Leona Helmsely, aka “The Queen of Mean”? Zsa Zsa Gabor’s infamous slapping of the traffic cop? Or the racist outbursts Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Shott? Cho Hyun-ah is just another notorious woman crowned with the time-honored title of Megabitch. The fact that she’s Asian only ratchets it up to another level. Now she is no longer just a Megabitch, but a full-fledged Dragon Lady. I haven’t seen a real-life Dragon Lady elicit such levels of vitriol since the days of Imelda Marcos. I wonder how many pairs of shoes Cho Hyun-ah owns?

dragonlady

None of this should come as too much of a surprise. After all, Ms. Cho’s English name is ‘Heather.’ Heather Cho. Anyone who grew up in the 1980’s can testify that pretty much any girl name Heather was considered to steeped in venom. This notion was so widespread at the time that they ended up making a hit movie about it. I wonder how Ms. Cho came upon that name. Did she choose it herself? Or, more likely, was it assigned to her by an English teacher who knew what made her tick?

Teacher: So… Hyun-ah. What English name would you like?

Hyun-ah: Hello teacher… I want to be called ‘Sunny.’

Teacher: ‘Sunny?’ Hmmm… let’s see… I don’t know… I see you as more of a ‘Heather,’ m’kay?

One thing I like about Korea is that if you’re a public figure and you really fuck up, you have crawl out in front of the whole nation and perform a giant mea culpa. There is no stonewalling, no subterfuge, no hiding behind layers of lawyers and publicists. You are forced to put one foot in front of the other and hike the walk of shame in front of a battalion of camera-wielding journalists, where, voice a-trembling, you repeatedly whisper ‘I’m sorry’ into a wall of microphones and then bow. I think this ritual of public contrition plays an essential role in a person’s rehabilitation while also serving the public’s need to stick the offending celebrity in the pillory and launch volley after volley of virtual tomatoes. Cho Hyun-ah did this just days after the whole incident went public, and something about it was immensely satisfying. There she was, in her stylish black jacket and grey scarf, strands of loose hair rakishly blowing over her seemingly makeup-free face, while she mumbled her apologies in a barely-audible sigh. The rest of us sat there smugly while she choked down spoonful after spoonful of steaming, fecal-flavored bibimbap for all the world to see. I was absolutely enraptured and never wanted it to end.

bow

What’s even better was that her dad, Cho Yang-ho, apologized too. One of the richest men in the nation hauled himself in front of the cameras and confessed his heartfelt regret that he didn’t do a better job in raising her. I was both impressed and dumbfounded. Here we had a father taking responsibility for the behavior of his grown, 40-year old daughter, basically admitting to the fact that he had overindulged her growing up, recognizing that this may just have some bearing on her actions today.

Can you imagine if this happened back home? If the parents of our most awful citizens came forward and apologized on behalf of their spawn?

“On behalf of our family and the whole nation of Canada, I’d like to offer my most sincere apologies. It’s time I faced the fact that my son Justin is indeed a malignant, no-talent puddle of shit. We are very sorry for encouraging him to go into music, but even sorrier for having him in the first place.”

“We’d like to express regret for buying our daughter Paris a Caribbean island for her 8th birthday. We should have just gone with the pony.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have paved the way for Jr. to go into politics. It wasn’t prudent of me do to so, since it resulted in two illegal wars and a gutted economy for the benefit of his cronies. I’d like to apologize, but… screw it, let’s just keep blaming it all on the negro.”

The whole notion of parents apologizing for their adult kids is very Korean. Most Koreans take this idea of collective responsibility very seriously. North Korea takes it to the extreme, where several generations of one family will be thrown into the gulag over the supposed sins of just one member. But I’ve seen it here in South Korea, first hand. In 2007 a student massacred 32 people in a mass shooting on the campus of Virginia Tech in America. Early reports told us that the shooter was Asian, but for some time his exact ethnicity was unknown. Koreans were tight lipped on the story, presumably praying inside that the murderer was anything but Korean. When it turned out that he was indeed a Korean kid, for days I was subjected to deeply felt apologies from Korean friends, acquaintances, and students, with many of them directly apologizing on behalf of their entire nation.

“I am so sorry he was Korean. We are so ashamed.”

“It’s okay,” I’d say. “You don’t need to apologize. Really.

“But I am sorry.”

“What? Did you send him money to buy bullets?”

vt_killer_nbc

Please Japanese. Please Japanese. Please Japanese.

Cho Hyun-ah was detained on December 30th and is now holed up in a cold, South Korean jail. She has been indicted on five different charges and faces up to 15 years in prison for her nut meltdown. Her father stripped her of all her positions within Hanjin’s companies, and seems very willing to sacrifice her onto the pyre of public outrage. I wonder how long it is before they brand the word BITCH into her back with a hot iron and force her walk to walk naked through the freezing streets of Seoul. She’s getting her commupance and then some, but I have to admit that I actually feel sorry for her. The satisfaction that so many of us get by knowing that she is suffering is not an attractive human emotion. It’s ugly, because at times we’ve all been terrible people. Our willingness to spit in Ms. Cho’s disgraced face runs counter to Christ’s “Let him who has not sinned cast the first stone,” which you don’t have to be a Christian to recognize as one of his finest moments. That was also a situation involving a very unpopular woman. Hmmm… I sense a pattern here.

Spurned by the public, fired from her jobs, abandoned by her father, facing hard time… what’s a former heiress to do? Well she’ll have to serve whatever sentence is handed down, but when she comes out, I have a business idea I’d like to pitch her way: I think she should open an S & M dungeon. Just picture it: The whole thing is done up like the first class cabin of a jumbo jet. She is dressed in a skin-tight PVC catsuit, along with an Nazi SS cap and patch over one eye. She sits, legs crossed, in an airline seat and carries a bullwhip. The slave is lead in on a leash. He wears a chief purser’s uniform with the whole of the crotch cut out. A leather gimp mask covers his face. A ball gag occupies the cavity of his mouth. A butt plug in the shape of a miniature Boeing 747 is rammed deep into the recesses of his ass. In his trembling hands is a pack of macadamia nuts. At Madam Cho’s feet is a plate made of the purest white porcelain.

“It puts the nuts on the plate.”

*CRACK*

“It puts the nuts on the plate.”

*CRACK*

“PUT THE NUTS ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLATE!!!”

This works for me. Maybe it will for her as well. After all, doesn’t everyone deserve a shot at redemption?

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14 comments

  1. Effin’ awesome piece. Shit was infused with hilarity. Really looking forward to reading more by you brudda. Keep em coming. “Put the nuts on the mutha fuckin’ plate.” Hahahahahahahahahaha. Classic!

  2. What’s with this “shame” business? Koreans have done A LOT of good and people are only going to see what they want to see.

    This is where I think ASians are hella STUPID.

    I was raised by a horrible nasty tiger mom.

    HORRIBLE. BABY BEATING B*.

    Why is anyone surprised that this garbage witch bullied her staff? She’s too stupid to know any better. Divas in Hollywood are saints compared to Korean prostitute parasitic trash.

    Why do Asian women carry on like this? My idiot white American dad beat us when we tried to change our Korean names to American ones to escape discrimination. In job, housing, friendships, dating, ACADEMICS?!!!

    He beat us because we were supposed to “respect your mothers’ culture”. What culture?

    The Korean Culture of horrible backstabbing stealing Ching Chongs of self hate and beating babies?

    We were supposed to suffer on Stupid’s behalf so we can suffer her.

    GARBAGE.

    I was the meal ticket to the Visa sponsor (Korea of course!)

    I wasn’t wanted. I was just a meal ticket. My mother had me so she could have extra pennies to send to ASia so the Ching Chongs can gamble and drink it away while I was beaten to a pulp as a BABY! They carried this parasitic stupidity into adulthood where they gambled away their husband’s houses and refused divorces.

    These ladies are self loathing trolls at best.

    SELFISH UNEDUCATED ARROGANT USELESS prostitutes.

    Face is nothing.

    You can’t simply do the right thing because it’s just the right thing to do?

    Why is anyone surprised that this baby beating monster is abusive to her staff? Koreans care NOTHING about people. Not even themselves.

    I didn’t have a college fund. My white American dad tried to throw me away in a white supremacist draft dodger’s war as a mercenary for the ugly Arabs – WHEN I WAS VERY SICK!!!

    My life was already ruined by the cloward piven 9th circle of Dantes hell Baby Boomer Utopia.

    When my full Korean cousin had a “mental illness” (DRUGS!) they coddled her to death.
    Me? When I was doubled over and handicapped in pain because I had a bad hormone reaction to dairy? Oh they tried to throw me away in war.

    Its not about forgiveness. I am TRAPPED!!!!! I am very scared of these jerks! These horrible monsters.

    I was beaten badly when I did something wrong in high school- minor petty shoplifting? Hair cut, beaten to a pulp, sent to a different school. The different school was a better idea, college prep kids are more tolerant to ASians than the affirmative action hick trash at the public school.

    But they can steal by gambling houses with teaser rate loans to mug people in need of shelter.
    They can gamble other people’s assets away.
    They can rob babies who are beaten to a pulp before we suffer the hell of racism with a foreign name in a racist garbage country.

    I know why I wasn’t just aborted. The relatives needed their drinking and gambling money.
    I’m not even allowed to fend for myself in this horrible RACIST US country with Korean parents. Tired of being caught in the middle, tired of suffering on their behalf, tired because I was sick, tired form the setbacks—- there’s NOTHING in the world beautiful enough to put up with this garbage.

    The US should not have just bombed Hiroshima for show to “scare the Russians”. They should’ve just bombed the entire Asian continent.

  3. Shame and apologies. S&M. Heathers. I haven’t followed Nut Rage, just read some headlines, but glad I read this piece. Thanks.

    1. Well for this piece, at least. I had written a few bits about Cho Hyun-ah for stand up but then realized I could throw them into a humor piece about the whole affair. Cheers, sir.

  4. @ Chris

    As the saying goes, “The apple does not fall far from the tree.”

    The Korean Drama continues!

    Meanwhile, little sister Cho Hyun-min, Korean Air vice president of marketing, doused herself with highly flammable jet fuel and jumped into the inferno.

    Hyun-min emailed Korean air marketing employees telling them this is “not the result of one person” but “mistakes committed by all employees.” The email, smelling like jet fuel, soon went viral on the internet.
    http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2014/12/23/2014122301293.html

    Hyun-min not content with her eyes burning from all the jet fuel she poured on herself, jumps into the raging inferno by sending a text message promising to “revenge” on her elder sister’s behalf over “nut-rage.”
    http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2015/01/02/2015010201089.html

    When will they start hacking at the apple tree?

    When will the book with fictional characters be published?
    What does a person half to do to obtain the movie rights in Korea?
    TV series?

    “Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict shows you the kind of people they are.”
    ~ Stephen Moyer

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