by Fred Colton
Hey you, over there. Yeah, you—with the hoodie and pit stained T-shirt, hunched over that convenience store ATM seeing if you’ve got enough in the account for a one-way flight back to the motherland.
I’ve seen your type before. You’re one of those infamous night fliers, stealing softly away from Korea as if from a one night stand before sun-up, never to call or Kakao again. And you’re in good company, fellow expat. It turns out that all manner of folks are trying to get off the Korean peninsula, and not just the northern half.
So who are you, sir?
-Maybe you’re an ESL teacher, a hagwon hustler, who’s found the job to be a brutal, futile one, like dumping water into a bucket with holes in it?
-Maybe you’re a rascal and a rake, a globetrotting lothario who just unceremoniously dumped your latest Korean broad (who got plastic surgery just for you,) only to find ALL CAPS death threats and severed rodent heads on your doorstep every morning?
-Maybe you’re a rookie entrepreneur who married a native and then borrowed seed money from your in-laws (their retirement savings) to launch a coffee shop in Seoul, only to see all hope of recouping your investment dashed by spectacularly flaccid first quarter earnings? (Also—what made you think Seoul needed another coffee shop?)
-Maybe you’re a rising star in the Korean drug trade, and those fine, intrepid young officers over at the local PD are closing in on your Thai hash smuggling operation?
Hell, maybe you’re all of the above, and you need to punch the eject button STAT.
Enter Expat Extractors, LLC. Who are we? We’re the only friends you’ve got now, that’s who the hell we are. We’re fixers, problem-solvers, those who believe “laws” are elastic barriers meant to be stretched. We’ll get you out, and we’ll do it right. We here at Expat Extractors offer a variety of packages tailored to your unique situation…
The Gold Package:
Also referred to as “The Mourner.”
Our graphic and web design team will create a bulletproof alibi—the sudden, tragic “death” of a family member or close friend—for your rapid departure. Comes complete with a doctored Facebook profile for the departed, forged obituary, and short blurb from the web edition of your hometown newspaper. Also includes private transport to Incheon International Airport (or your closest long-distance hub) any time of the day or night.
The Mourner is a perfect fit for you hagwon teachers on your high horses, acting like you don’t need us because “you’ll never come back to Korea.” Well, climb on down out of that saddle, because like Michael Jordan, Jesus, and boomerangs, you’ll be back. You’ll get home and take a few swift kicks to the teeth courtesy of unemployment, realize the grass there is even browner than Korea’s ever was, and frantically start Googling teaching jobs again. Do Future You a favor and keep your reputation intact and your bridges unburned so you’ll be able to acquire another E-2 visa, or at the very least score a recommendation letter if you want to skulk off to try your luck elsewhere on the continent.
The Premium Package:
Us in the biz call this one “The Hero.”
You happen upon a mugging-in-progress in HBC after sundown and spring into action as a thuggish band of purse-snatchers corner a saintly ajumma. After a vicious brawl you emerge victorious but while the ajumma keeps her purse, you pay dearly for said victory, because you’ve got sixteen broken bones, a ruptured spleen, and you’re also stuck in a deep coma like you did “Inception” wrong.
But you’re The Hero now—thanks to our stunt team you’ll be the star an obsessively choreographed show of pulled punches and the precisely-timed bursting of fake blood packets. l And the hero needs to be flown back to his homeland for an extended recovery, of course. The Hero package is perfect for earning the sympathies of your Krazy Korean ex or your newly-impoverished in-laws. No one’s going to sue you to recover the money you lost them when, for all they know, you’re back at home, mummified in the ICU, racking up an insurmountable hospital debt while fighting for your very existence.
Private transport to airport provided.
OK folks, enough child’s play. We understand that some of you need real, definitive, max-firepower solutions. So you’ve run afoul of the cops and the heat’s coming down on you fast? Allow me to introduce…
The Platinum Package:
A commuter bus T-bones a barricade on Seoul’s Banpo Bridge and explodes and—dear God in Heaven!—you were on it. You, along with twenty-three poor Korean souls were instantly immolated and sent off to the great beyond. But wait—plot twist—the corpses were from a local morgue and the bus was rigged with flashy pyrotechnics.
Folks, this one is the big daddy. The Nuclear Option, the re-set button; guarantees no government agent, loan shark, or process server will ever catch up to you and you’ll never be extradited. Includes facial modification surgery in Gangnam, new passport and identity (you’re now Chad Baker of Idaho), and employment position in a Bali scuba shop. Private transport to airport (in a blacked-out SUV) provided.
Call us today at Expat Extractors, LLC. Because a proper withdrawal is difficult to execute. You don’t want to just pull out real fast and leave a mess behind.
Marketing Director, Expat Extractors, LLC